Guilt is something I've had a lot of conversations about recently. It is certainly an aspect to adventuring that many of us grapple with, particularly as we get older and we take on more responsibilities, whether work or family related.
Are we being a good enough parent/ son/ daughter/ partner/ colleague? Are we showing up as the best version of ourselves and doing the right things for our health, our work and our other commitments? And, if we are choosing to take time to do things for ourself, is that selfish or essential?
Back in January of this year, I signed up for a Backcountry snowboarding workshop and guilt was a very present emotion. It was there when I woke up in the morning after I had committed to going – a sick feeling in my stomach that I tried hard to ignore – and reappeared when I jolted awake sweating in the middle of the night (although to be fair my old friend perimenopause probably takes some of the responsibility for that…)
There is something deeply ironic about guilt, in that we can feel guilty about feeling guilty – and especially about admitting to it. And sometimes the language that is used with best intentions to make us feel better, can actually be guilt inducing too – “Don’t feel guilty, you should be taking time for yourself”. Those tyrannical “shoulds” creep in wherever they find an opening…
So, given how often I talk about and experience guilt, I thought I would explore the psychology behind it, tackle some of the common misconceptions around it and offer some thoughts on managing it which may be helpful for you too.
What is guilt?
Guilt is a both an emotion and a reaction. It is important in terms of regulating our behaviour and in helping us to function as part of a society, by adhering to commonly accepted rules and norms. Interestingly, it occurs in relation to both real and imagined events and behaviours (which you will understand if you have ever felt guilty for something you have said or done in a dream!)
According to Dr Lawrence Howells, author of “Understanding Your 7 Emotions” (2021), guilt is the result of two related processes - the standards that we hold for ourselves and the interpretation of our behaviour against those standards. Guilt usually occurs when we experience a misalignment between these standards and how we have acted.
The thing is that our personal values and standards may not be something we think about very often – or even be consciously aware of. These standards have formed as a result of our past experiences, our upbringing and the societies and cultures we are part of. So, often whilst we may be aware of feel guilty, we may not be fully aware of the underlying principles behind this.
What does guilt tell us?
Fundamentally, guilt is information that something feels out of kilter with our expectations of how we should behave. The problem with feelings and emotions, however, is that we tend to treat them as THE TRUTH. One of the most useful phrases I use for myself and with my clients and my kids is “just because we think it, it doesn’t mean it’s real”
I love this statement because it allows us space to explore the reality of a situation in a slightly detached way. Is this something I should genuinely feel bad about – or is it that my expectations of my behaviour are unrealistic?
In relation to my snowboarding workshop, I felt guilty for two main reasons. Firstly, the money it was costing and the second was in terms of safety – that I was potentially putting myself in harm’s way.
The Guilty Stick
The reason for the guilt was that my values – in this case being present for my kids - was in conflict with my belief that taking time for myself and continuing to challenge myself really does matter (and ultimately it helps me to better navigate the many demands of parenting).
It is the same guilt that keeps us late at work so that we don’t let down our colleagues or opening the laptop instead of heading outside for a walk or a run. This guilt is powerful and compelling and does everything in its power to make us believe it is the truth.
But if we think about it logically, the things we feel personally guilty for, are often the things we tell others they should do. Which means we can take a first step towards managing out guilt by questioning its veracity – is this realistic or are we punishing ourselves for not reaching standards we would never hold others to?
In short, is this guilt something that is helpful in keeping us congruent with our values – or has it become a stick with which to beat ourselves.
A question we can ask is whether it is fair to expect ourselves to react in a certain way - and we can test this by taking it to extremes. If for example, if one of my values is to be present and available for my children, is it reasonable to expect that I should never leave their side (something my teen would definitely not be ok with…). If a friend was asking you this question, you would most likely say that is unrealistic - and that it's not necessarily healthy for them either!
So what does “being present” actually mean? The answer in my case, is holding them in mind. In booking the workshop, I made sure that they had the support they needed at home, that I would go with guides I trusted and that I would speak to them in the evening and catch up on their day (/requests for money!). And that was enough to help me stick to my decision to go.
Learning to sit alongside the discomfort
Guilt is rarely as intense as other emotions. But once it’s there it is hard to shake.
We ruminate, we obsess and it can take over our thoughts and direct our actions. But if we can start to question whether we have actually behaved in a way that merits this rumination, we can start to loosen its grip.
The first step is to be aware that just because we feel guilty, it doesn't mean that what we are doing is wrong. It is simply information that we can question – and disagree with. Guilt can also act as a mask for other emotions such as anger or sadness and it can sometimes be helpful to reflect what else we may be feeling or experiencing at the time. Guilt is often stronger when we are low in energy and internal resources – so it may be that taking time for ourselves is exactly what we need, even when our brain is telling us not to!
It is also important to recognise that we are unlikely get rid of guilt entirely (telling someone to stop feeling guilty rarely works…) But we can still take decisions that aren’t driven by or rooted in that guilt, even if a lingering feeling remains. We can sit alongside it, allowing it on the journey, but not taking the wheel. And that allows us to recongise what it is we actually need - and act on that instead.
In Summary:
1) Remember, just because you feel something it doesn't make it real. It doesn't mean that what you are doing is wrong or that you have a genuine reason to feel badly. Treat your guilt as information and start to explore it.
2) Recognise when your standards are too high. If you’re not sure, check it out with someone you trust. Or put yourself in the position of advising a friend. Are you being as fair to yourself as you would be to them?
3) Learn to sit alongside the discomfort. Try to make decisions that aren’t dictated by your guilt, whilst acknowledging that it might just have to come along for the ride. But that is a positive too – because, to put it simply, it means that you care.
